I haven’t forgotten about my site… I’ve just been busy with moving to a new city, getting settled in and ready to start school, and I wasn’t able to get internet until last week!

New city! I love it here. It took awhile to adjust to being away from home and family, but I have learned that I am quick to adapt to any new situations and am able to make home anywhere. I was pretty lucky in finding a place to live and a job when I first got here.  So my summer was full of moving furniture, unpacking tons of boxes, shopping for stuff I needed but didn’t have, and working almost 50 hours a week. I thought this would be one of the longest summers of my life, but it turned out being one of the fastest.

I started classes at a new university on Monday and I have to admit I’m a little nervous. I know, Ms. “Quick To Adapt” is having cold feet. I’m just nervous about not finding my classes or getting lost on campus. I’m sure it will be like everything else and I’ll be fine after a day or two.

What’s new? Well, I’m dating someone new. My previous boyfriend and I broke up before I moved because we felt our lives were going in different directions and we had different life goals. I’m not going to lie… it was hard at first, but moving and working quickly took my mind off things and I was given the opportunity to meet someone new. I have no idea where things will go with this person, but it will be worth it to find out. We met at where I work and were friends from the beginning. He’s already done with school and has a different job now using his degree, so it will be interesting to see where the relationship goes after I start school.

My aunt got engaged this week! I am soooo excited for her! She was married once before but she didn’t have a ceremony so I’ve always felt she’s deserved her special day. She’s planning on a sunset beach ceremony in Florida next June and I’m already starting to save for the trip! I need to find the cord to my camera so I will be able to take some awesome photos! (My cord got lost in the move… blah!)

I’ve taken an even deeper interest in cooking. I follow all kinds of food blogs and have tons of interesting recipes I want to try out! (All the more reason to find my camera cord!) I’m even excited about updating this thing more often! Life just couldn’t get any better!

I had not been on a proper vacation since I was 12. My family was given a vacation as a gift one christmas by my grandmother and my mother chose to take a trip to Hilton Head, South Carolina. That vacation will always be a prominent memory from my childhood. We were able to do a lot of stuff as a family since my grandmother was footing the bill for the condo.  Since then, I have been on a lot of trips, but none of them I would classify as a vacation. We would sometimes visit my other grandparents when they lived in an elderly community in Florida. Those trips were sometimes just as stressful as being at home. I promised myself that I would take a vacation when I was old enough to do it with friends. I thought after my accident, that I would get enough money from my pain and suffering claim to take a trip somewhere. That wasn’t the case. So back in Feburary I decided I was going to figure out a way to go on a rather cheap vacation and I asked Mel if she wanted to go for a long weekend with me before I moved away from home. I started researching hotels on beaches up and down the east coast.  I found one in Myrtle Beach through hotels.com that was really cheap! So I booked it!

We left this past Thursday around 11:30ish and drove nine and a half hours to the east coast! We arrived at the hotel, checked in, and unloaded the car! We needed to run to Wal-mart to buy stuff to make sandwiches and some fruit. Our hotel had a microwave and a full fridge so we decided to bring as much food as possible so we didn’t spend money on eating out every meal. We decided we would eat out one night and we chose a sea food buffet! The first day there we spent the entire day on the beach with a break around lunch time to eat a sandwich and to dodge the hottest part of the day. After we showered all the sand off we took a walk along the beach to take pictures and to walk in the shallow water. At night we would either watch a movie or we would read the books we brought.

Our last day on the beach was insane!! A little girl got pulled out into the surf due to a strong current and had to be rescued by the lifeguard. She was ok, but a little shaken up. A while after that happened we think a surfer got hurt and required some medical attention. It was a little way down the beach so we weren’t positive what was wrong. We took a longer break than usual during lunch since our skin really needed a break from the sun. When we got to the room we noticed the maids hadn’t made a visit yet so we decided to go for a walk to the pier where there was a gift shop. We bought ourselves some jewerly and some ice cream! We headed back out to the beach after a late lunch and spent our last hours in the sun reading our books and watching the crazy people around us. That evening we ventured out to a sea food buffet that was really good and we went shopping at one of those over priced beach shops. We really didn’t want to go home the next day. But we made some awesome memories that I will always remember and we agreed that we would try to do it again another year but go somewhere different. It’s hard to tell being a college student if you’ll have any money to take a trip in the near future.

I keep my french horn in its case sitting near my dresser. I keep telling myself that I should put it away since I don’t play it anymore, but I don’t have the heart to shove it in a closet. I will pick it up again… one day. Right now it just makes me sad to realize how much I suck, when I put in so much hard work to be GREAT!

I still mess around on our piano, but it’s so out of tune and my parents won’t get it tuned since I’m moving out here soon. No one else in the house plays like I do.

My guitar is on it’s stand… gathering dust. It needs new strings, because the ones that are on it are so old it won’t stay in tune for even 5 minutes.

*sigh* My instruments are a mess. I’m sure my french horn needs a lot of work when I get the guts to take it out of its case.

But speaking of french horn and my glory days, I completely forgot that there is a recording I did with the entire horn studio my freshmen year in music school that is still up on the school website! If anyone is a fan of James Horner or the movie Titanic… zomg… this is for you. It’s a piece called ‘Titanic Fantasy” and it was actually arranged for 15 french horns by James Horner himself! If anyone is interested in listening to it… here’s the link!

Titanic Fantasy

I remember the night we recorded this… it was late wednesday night, before Thanksgiving. We were all anxious to get done so we could go home for break. We didn’t finish in the studio till about 11 and we had started around 7 or 8. I was thrilled to be able to experience what it is like to record something professionally. It was a lot of hard work and my face felt like it was going to melt off, but it was worth it when we finally heard the ending result. My professor said he was eventually going to put together a CD of all the stuff that his horn studio has recorded over the years and he was definitely going to feature our song on it. So who knows.. maybe in a couple of years I’ll be on a CD!

For the first time since my car accident two years ago – I feel normal. I feel like my old self again. I honestly thought I would never get to the point of being functional without forcing it. I’m relieved to find motivation in myself to amount to something other than settling for whatever will be.

I’m in my third week of school and I have yet to miss a class. I’m getting my work done in a timely fashion and I have yet to make a bad grade on a quiz. I have energy to get up in the morning and actually look forward to what the day has in store for me. Around this time last year I was struggling just to walk out my front door. I’m excited about my future possiblilities and where my ambitions will take me. I thought the only answer was to return to university and pick up right where I left off, but I know now that I have other tempting options. I’m considering going to a completely different school next year in a completely different city. The idea of being so far away from my comfort zone scares me – why wouldn’t it? I think the change will be good for me. My legs are strong enough to get me through anything now. I was fumbling around with the idea of studying psychology instead of music last semester. I’m taking a second psychology class this semester and so far my mind hasn’t changed.

In the next few days I’m going to go about applying for my Associate in Arts. I have no idea what I will be doing with this degree and to be honest I had no idea I could obtain it if my advisor hadn’t pointed it out that I had enough credits to qualify. I think it’ll be my “Hooray” keepsake. Proof that something positive came from my time here. When I made the decision to move back home I seriously felt like I was running away. Hiding from a hard experience. If I stay hidden long enough… it would all go away. But I’ve been productive in my recovery. I may never use this piece of paper but knowing it’s there gives me the hope that everything is going to be alright – eventually.

Not only am I motivated to do well in school, but I’ve been taking on small projects. Over the summer I planned a trip for my friends and I to Cedar Point (pictures are here… I just need to post!). I made all the arrangements and planned the weekend. I think I did a good job and my friends all had fun! This fall I’m planning on hosting another dinner party for my friends. I did it last year right before Thanksgiving and it was a big hit. I had cocktails, appetizers, a really good meal, and homemade dessert. The house was clean and I had candles lit everywhere.  After it was said and done, everyone was asking me when I was going to plan another one. Who knows, maybe this will turn into a yearly event! I haven’t made any definite plans yet, but I’ve been brainstorming. Last year I did roasted chicken, homemade mac and cheese, garlic asparagus, and Caesar salad. This year I want to do something different but equally satisfying. I’ve been looking into some really good pasta dishes -  let’s face it… pasta is cheap and it’s a sure thing! Who doesn’t like pasta? I’ve got several promising recipes in mind. I’m planning early so I can decide on the best options possible.

I hate being neglectful when it comes to this blog. And to be honest I have like 3 drafts that I have started but have never finished. Maybe now that my motivation is coming back I can add “daily postings” to my goals list. I’m hoping to turn this into something that my family can read to catch up on what I’m doing. I have family all over the place and it’s sad that I feel like they barely know me. But if I’m only posting once every several months – that kind of defeats the purpose.

Aye! I hereby promise to post at least once a week if not more! If I do not follow through I give permission to Lolcat my room! Hey that wouldn’t be such a bad punishment!

I was in a car accident. Exactly 2 years ago from August 20th of this year. I was at a time in my life when everything was right where I wanted it. I was happy, content. I had just completed the hardest year of my music career and was nearing the end of the perfect summer. I was excited about starting a new semester and living with 3 roommates in our new apartment. I really had no complaints.

I’ll always remember that day. No matter how many years will pass. I woke up with a list of stuff I needed to do already forming in my head. I was proud of the way I had my life organized. 2 years as a music major in college was teaching me a lot about time management. I had to finish painting the downstairs wall red before I could go practice my audition pieces that needed to be ready the next morning. It was about 5:00 in the evening when I ran out of paint. I was eager to finish since school was starting back up the next day. I made a quick trip to Wal-Mart that turned into more of a hassle than I had wanted.  Bought the damn paint and started back home when it happened. I was a block away from my house when I was hit on the driver’s side by a Yukon going about 55 miles a hour. He ran a stop light at the exact time I was going through the intersection. The impact sent me spinning until I struck a fire hydrate. He seemed to barrel through me without even a second thought. The red paint had hit the windshield and exploded all over the inside of the car and myself. I remember my chest was on fire and I couldn’t move my legs. It was several minutes before help arrived. I was stuck in the car until firemen arrived to cut me out. They took me to the ER where I spent the next several hours undergoing x-rays and tests to make sure nothing was damaged. I could relay so many details about that night. How the ER smelled, the noises, what I experienced. It is the most horrific thing I have ever had to experience. Even after two years the nightmare of it all still seems to effect me.

So much has changed since that night. I missed my audition along with the first week of classes. It was decided after several weeks of trying to make it work that my music was to be shoved onto the back burner. That decision alone was enough to break my spirit. I had never had to admit defeat… on anything in my life. My pride was wounded. I felt like a failure. I tried so hard to carry on with my course load and my practicing. But I wasn’t getting enough sleep or eating healthy due to the stresses of trying to catch up to the rest of my studio. I was forced to drop down to 2 classes and I spent all my time in an empty apartment with nothing to do but watch tv and sleep. I fell into a deep depression. I could sit and stare at the wall for hours and never really notice. My family realized something had to be done when I was home for christmas break and all I wanted to do was cry. They forced me to go see a therapist when I returned to school for the spring semester. I tried to resume my course load but found it too overwhelming. My weekly sessions with my therapist were helping a great deal. She was helping me to cope with my feelings of grief and sorrow over my misfortune. I wish I could say I was cured. But so many things remind me of what has happened to me. Because of my wasted year I was forced to move back home. I’m going to school for psychology instead because too much time has passed with me not studying music. It would take far too long to work back up to the level I was at before my accident. I resent each bad thing that happens here because it just reminds me that I am here because of the accident. Every argument I have with my mother. Every bad day at work. Every obstacle I am faced with. My legs still hurt from my injuries and I know I will have these pains for the rest of my life. I think about the friends I havent seen or spoken too since I’ve left and I get so much more angrier. I think about where I would be now if I hadn’t been at that intersection, and the answer just makes me even more sad.

Not a night goes by that my mind doesnt drift to that day, and I’m thinking about my accident all over again. It makes me cry even harder because it makes me feel weak. I should be moving on with my life. But everything just reminds me of what I’ve lost and what I’ve been through. Nothing is black and white anymore. It all leads back to that day and I hate myself for it. My parents think I’m strong and all I feel is weakness. Things that make me cry, make me want to cry even harder because I just feel like none of it would have ever happened if the accident hadn’t happened. How is anyone supposed to overcome that? This feeling of grief and resentment. I have this heavy feeling that nothing will ever be like I thought it would be. I feel that every bad mood or feeling I have burdens me twice as much.

And what makes this all even worse is the fact that no one knows about any of this. Because if they knew, all I would hear is how I can’t let this accident run the rest of my life. I have to let it go and move on.

My mother and I got into a fight today. She is the manager at the restaurant I work at… and I am her assistant manager. I discussed something with her today at the store and she got mad about it when we were home. She said I attacked her and that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m not there all the time. My problem was that she was bringing it up… again… while we were at home. She’s my mother at home, not my manager. Of course it turned into this huge thing where it made the rest of my family mad. My grandparents are visiting from Pittsburg and I hated for them to witness us fighting so I ran upstairs real fast before they could see that I was crying. But once I got into my room all I could think was that this wouldn’t be happening if I were in Louisville where I belonged. If that accident wouldnt have happened I would be at school and there would be no fighting. I feel so alone all the time in my house. When my sister is upset and crying, my mother is always in her room to comfort her. When it’s me in my room crying, they all forget that I’m upset or they don’t care.

I’m just so confused with all that I’m feeling. I just wish someone could help me feel less confused.